ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
