I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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