did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
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He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
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Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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