Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
