I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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