I can text with my tongue
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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