My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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