I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
