the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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