I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
