I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
