I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Randomize
