Define "chronic" masturbator.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
