the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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