omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
