her vagina looked like bernie madoff
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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