Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
