she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
