neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
