Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My balls are so social today.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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