i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
