Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
