I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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