why im i the only drunk person in the library?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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