Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she told me i tasted like america
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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