I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
