dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
