singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
