my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
barbara walters just said penis...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
