sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Michael Bay diarrhea
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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