ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
