never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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