I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
