apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
