I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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