Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
True strength comes from lack of pants
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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