I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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