I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
