I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
