hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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