dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
