I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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