Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
