How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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