I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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