someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
