i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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