I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
