Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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