so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
