Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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