tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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