Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
