Don't make out with my wife yet
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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