So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
