My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
