The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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