winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
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just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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