so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
